This week started off with what me and Teddy thought was terrible news. But then it wasn’t actually terrible news after all. You see we were watching TV, when suddenly, out of the blue the man said that Prince William was going to marry KATE! This was particuarly hard to understand because me and Teddy think Prince William is fantastic! why on earth would he marry our horrible next door neighbour!?

We immediately found Otter Keeper (Teddy was in a terrible state of concern) and fortunately he explained that Prince William is actually getting married to a completely different Kate. This made everything ok, and meant that me and Teddy were still huge fans of the royal family.

This was a happy ending but the event did highlight the need for a chart to identify Kates. This way if you meet one you can tell if it’s dangerous or not. Otter Keeper says all Kates are nice (even our next door neighbour). Otter Keeper is very VERY silly.

However, I’ve forgiven him because upon our request he has made us this chart. It’s not designed exactly as we wanted it… but it could still be of some use to anyone who might meet a Kate. And from what me and Teddy have learnt this week… there are lots of Kates (it gets quite confusing!)

how to identify a Kate

Also I should mention that this week our Toasting Support Hotline will also be a Kate Advice Line. Due to the seriousness of Kate identification this service will be free, and will continue to be so until the royal wedding is out of the way. This period will obviously be a very testing time for identifying Kates.




  1. Victoria Stitch April 13, 2011 at 4:01 am

    this is actually hilarious! i love it!

  2. Jack the Cat April 13, 2011 at 6:11 am

    Wow, that is a great chart and very useful!!!

  3. MKT April 13, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Wow, so useful. Otter, I need one for Elizabeths. Some are really nice, and others are worse than your Kate next door. Do you think your chart will serve as well for them?

  4. Kitsune April 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Thanks so much, Otter, this is really helpful. I’ll use it every time I see a Kate.

  5. Grace April 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

    You know, I don’t know ANY Kate’s at all. Maybe there aren’t as many as keeper says there are!

  6. Penh April 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Thanks for the chart. I feel much safer now.

  7. Maria April 13, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    wow, i didnt know identifying Kates could be that hard,,, thanks 4 the chart, i’ll keep on the lookout for bad Kates.

  8. Clare April 14, 2011 at 4:30 am

    So useful – I might print it out just in case of emergency!

  9. Jimmy Lee April 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Dear Otter, in the Southern U.S. where I live (but continue to feel like a foreigner), there are lots of girls named Kate, Katie, Mary Kate, Catherine, Mary Catherine and other Kate Variables. I think they’re trying to hide from you. I should also like to announce that I have just confirmed there is at least one seriously bad STEVE roaming about (if only I had your chart earlier and adapted it), so you need to watch out for him. HE took my job away, so HE is EVIL. If only I knew voodoo.

    But I am looking forward to watching the royal wedding on TV – I hope Keeper lets you buy a souvenir tea towel, pin tray, egg cozy, or something equally delightful to remember it by!

  10. Cute Otters April 14, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    Otter Learns How To “Identify A Kate”…

    Poor Otter had a scare when she thought Prince William was going to marry her arch enemy, Kate. Fortunately this was not her next door neighbor but another Kate entirely. Otter Keeper made this wonderful flow chart to help Otter if she gets confused ag…

  11. Linda April 15, 2011 at 2:37 am

    I am keeping this right next to my toasting tutorial. What a handy thing to have!

  12. Alix April 15, 2011 at 7:24 am

    This is extremely useful and will be put into use as soon as I see another Kate. Could it be adapted for “Nicky” do you think, we have a couple at work who are questionable????

  13. Heather aka Niftyknits April 15, 2011 at 9:09 am

    There is a small girl called Katie lives next door to me. I think she’s quite a dangerous Kate, because her mummy is ALWAYS shouting her name in sentences that include the words “NO!” or “STOP!”

  14. Louloute Otter April 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Hello Otter,

    This chart is a bit complicated even for a clever otter like me and I think its principal usefullness is that you stay occupied till keeper is back and can identify the Kate you spotted. Don’t forget to use your camera and your little cassette player to collect evidences : don’t forget we must elaborate a profile of Kate types and I find personnally that keeper’s chart isn’t precise enough ! So it’s much confusing : of course -although keepers are very very clever – he isn’t a Kate specialist as we are. The best example is that he isn’t defiant towards the worst Kate ever who is an obvious otter thread. Keepers can be so innocent more than us sometimes and don’t notice the danger. They haven’t our instinct. Mine says I haven’t to be worried because in France nobody is named Kate because it’s an English forename : In France, Kates don’t exist. I told her that it can’t be true because there are too many things getting wrong in my otter life herthat it must be someone’s fault. There must be under cover Kates in France and Jimmy Lee just gave me a hint since we have lots of Catherines here and the most striking about them is that their patroness Sint Catherine is the patroness of all joung ladies who aren’t married when they’re 25. It will match the Kate type perfectly and show though that William’s Kate is not a real one. So thank you very much Jimmy Lee for clarifying !

    However, does the hotline work ? I think you must ask people to pay for your consultancy. This would help us buy some Kate traps to extend our protection when keepers are off. Did Teddy already make some statistics we could publish ? You must train him for getting better aware of bad Kates!!!

    For good ones – if you get to know some (I don’t actually and keeper says as I am para… I don’t know what, I won’t have any chance !) – (Yay this was a double digression !)- You should ask your keeper to make a chart off my digression – So, for good ones, what do you think above creating a Royal Kate Toast on the Wedding Day ? I don’t know what we could put on it, maybe tarama with little salmon pieces : it’s my fav spread I’d do everything for it, even kiss good Kates ! Or a fishburger toast with tomato ketchup and mayonnaise.
    I must ask keeper to cook me one just now : 3 am is a very good otter beakfast toast time !

    I must watch the rest of the night and as TT is already napping, I must wake up keeper to assist me.

    Till later, dear Otter, I’m busy !

  15. Louloute Otter April 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    @Heather aka Niftyknits
    He ! He ! Could it be the Katie you mean is an otter because I know these words “No” and “Stop” far too well. I think I could sympathize with this Katie !

  16. Catherine April 16, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Otter and Teddy must be SO relieved to know that the new Kate is the right Kate and not the bad, mean neighbor Kate! I happen to think the Kate chart is adorable–but I am NOT as clever as Otter + Teddy so I was a little confused! You + Teddy obviously have your own unique Intelligence system set up that is truly unique. ( your most recent Otter Story comes to mind). I won’t be surprised if you and Teddy design a new chart when Keeper goes to work on Monday! But I know you two will rest easier now that the Kates are no longer confusing!! PS–when I was younger one of my nick-names was Miss Kate! Much love to you Otter and Teddy! I hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

  17. bill April 18, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    Otter you are just the bestest!! (and Teddy)

  18. Kate March 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Now that the royal wedding is over, is there still Kate danger? What should a Kate do in order to know if she’s classified as dangerous or…as anything else? Otter, I really have a lot of questions. You see, there are apparently no Kates in France, but really I think that conclusion is suspect…because the same WOULD be true of Spain, and that’s where I live (and have a lot of neighbors, since I live in a city in a building with lots of non-Kates around). I really like the ID chart, but am not sure how a Kate should use it. Self-improvement? Self-loathing? Also, is a REAL Kate only a real one if her name is Kate and not any of the longer versions mentioned above? If this is the case, I need even more help, because on my “long-form birth certificate” (which apparently proves I’m US citizen), it says “Kate.”
    Otter, how do I know if I’m “dangerous”?
    P.S. Do you think there are otters in Spain?

  19. otter March 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Hi Kate
    It was very wise to get in touch as your predicament is very complicated and you clearly need professional help (from me and Teddy)
    we’ve talked about your case and can assure you that you are not dangerous
    and this is a very good thing. It is possible that you could later turn into a dangerous Kate but this is very unlikely. If you do show any symptoms of becoming a bad kate get in touch asap
    Otter Keeper agrees the chart is not very clear on how to use it if you are a Kate… because I’m an Otter I can’t really help with that
    I will get teddy to put it on our list of charts to make
    ( a “how to identify yourself as a kate and what type of kate are you chart” )

    thankyou for writing to us for help ( this proves you are a nice kate!)
    and I don’t think there are any Otters in spain. I might ask Otter Keeper if we can go there on holiday.. because there would be atleast one otter in Spain. ( and Otters should be everywhere ideallY)


  20. Kate March 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Oh, Otter, thank you so much for writing. You can’t imagine my relief in reading that I’m (probably) not a dangerous Kate. I would consider myself extremely fortunate to receive professional help from you and Teddy, as wise as you are and considering my somewhat hairy predicament.
    If you need help trying to convince Otter Keeper to come to Spain on holiday, I might be able to help. I think you and Teddy would really love it here, at least on holiday, and have some great adventures. I think even Otter Keeper might like it.
    Then, as you say, it could be said that there would be at least one otter, an Otter, rather, in Spain.

  21. Harp Seal Pup May 3, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    Otter you are so cuuuuuuute. I love you. But your keeper is a bit bureaucratic.

  22. Otterly February 20, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    Otter, I’ll need this chart every day, cause my sister is also a KATE!! (oh my God!!)but she is really friendly and not living next to you!! but I promise to keep an eye on her, okay?! 🙂

  23. LittleOtter February 20, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    Otter, I’ll need this chart every day, cause my sister is also a KATE!! (oh my God!!)but she is really friendly and not living next to you!! but I promise to keep an eye on her, okay?! 🙂

  24. Kuma-Chan July 1, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    It’s a pleasure to know that there are those out there with the common sense to suspect Kates of their true behavior. Hopefully this chart finds its way into everybody’s hands, lest we have a Kate-tastrophe on our hands…

    Personally, this list shall be immediately added to my personal folder of things that I use every day. It is a very useful chart~ 😀 I find it works with many names~

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